TransformingLives.Coach

Create the future you want!

Discipline 2.0

By

Picture5

In past posts I have talked about some of the key elements of succeeding when faced with a major life change: start with what’s in your heart; whether or not you initiated the change, take charge of how you respond to it; know your anchors, and your relationship to them; focus on what is important, not what is urgent; maintain your equanimity.

Today I want to address another key to success: Discipline 2.0.

Working with my clients, I find that some have very little discipline when it comes to actually taking action. Often–though not always–these are the more creative types. They are great at generating ideas, conceiving of new things, envisioning exciting and different futures. However, they never quite get started on the change journey. They come to me with some sense of the change they want to make, though they may be struggling to articulate it. They may know some of the steps they have to take, though they have done little to prepare for–or actually take–them.

This situation surfaces one of the two aspects of discipline I want to address today. It is the part of discipline that we tend to think of most often…He (or she) just doesn’t have the discipline to do what needs to get done. 

The second aspect of discipline that I want to discuss is no less common, but it is much less often recognized. It is the discipline of honoring our boundaries, maintaining a focus on ensuring that we keep a balance in our lives.

I see this lack of discipline in many ways. I have one client who for years thought she had to be available to her employer 24/7. Another came to me complaining about the lack of support provided by loved ones who were, in turn, complaining about the fact that he worked day and night, seven days a week. There are those who take pride in “burning the midnight oil,” or in having “not taken a vacation in years.”

If your change is a significant one, neither of these approaches will lead to a successful result. In the first instance, you will find yourself in a constant launch, re-launch, re-launch cycle. In the second, you will end up losing your passion, then disliking, then perhaps even hating the very intent that drove you to initiate the change in the first place.

In both circumstances, the best approach is to find and work with an “accountability buddy.” In my experience, this role is best filled by someone who is far enough removed to be objective, and someone whom you trust to be direct and honest with you.  You want someone who can be supportive of you; who can guide you through the planning process so that you define real action steps if that is what is needed; a person who can work with you to clarify the boundaries if your challenge is in honoring them; someone who can help you set realistic goals (whether around moving forward or honoring boundaries); and someone who will–on an agreed-upon cycle–check back in and hold you accountable.

When faced with any important change in your life, Discipline 2.0 is vital: discipline to take the steps necessary to succeed, and discipline to ensure that you maintain the equanimity required to keep you from burning out over the long haul.

What is your discipline challenge? What are you doing to address it? Share your experiences and recommendations here.

Share

When Life Gives You Lemons… Make Cherry Pie a la Mode!

By

lemons Life gives us lemons. Its not that we ask for them; we may not even expect them. Then–suddenly–there they are. Your best client calls to tell you that their business has taken a downturn, and they will be using your services a lot less starting today. Your business partner doesn’t come back from vacation, and you open the bank statement to find the accounts drained. your life partner tells you that you can spend all the time you want at the office; he (or she) is leaving you. That casual aside about your boss that you thought you said in confidence after one-too-many drinks now has you sitting in front of her desk.

What we are often told is, When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 

Sometimes, a lemon is just a lemon. There is nothing that we can do with it.

Sometimes, lemonade is a good option…especially if you like lemonade and it is a hot summer’s day. For many years, I thought this was a great response to the negative surprises–large and small–that are a part of life. However, I have learned that while it is sometimes a good response, it is not always the best one.

If you permit me to shift analogies for a minute, I can explain.

When you fall off a horse, the first thing you should do is get back on. 

If you are an equestrian, and you are not injured, this is the case. It shows the horse that you are not afraid of him, and that he cannot get away with throwing you.

But if you are not an equestrian, it may not be the right thing to do. It may be a signal that you should head toward the pool, or the tennis court, or maybe even get out the water colors and easel.

The simple truth is, not all of us belong on the back of a horse. You may have grown up on the farm or ranch. Perhaps you come from a multi-generational family of horse riders. Or, you thought you could gain fame and fortune on the back of a horse.

But, when you fall off a horse, it may be a good time to re-assess your reasons for riding in the first place.

Whether you have been riding for a day or for decades, is it still right for you tomorrow? 

If it is, then get back on the horse. (Sometimes lemons are just lemons.)

If it is not, then do you continue to pursue a riding-related option such as barn manager or blacksmith? (I would see these as the equivalent of making lemonade.)

Or, is it time to step back, reassess things, and go in a totally new direction?

Sometimes the best advice is, When life gives you lemons, make cherry pie a la mode. Don’t be a victim. Don’t stick to what you know even when you know it is not right for you. Go for what you want. For me, cherry pie a la mode wins out over lemonade any day!

iStock_000006845962Small

What is your cherry pie a la mode? Are you going for it?

Share

Anchors Aweigh!

By

09.14.1001-104

Most people don’t think of anchors when facing (or in the middle of) change. I do; and I spend time with my clients examining their anchors as well.

We all have anchors in our lives. They may be family, friends, career, community, job (or even job title), spiritual or religious beliefs. They might include our personality types, our egos, our education and credentials. For some, they are possessions: homes, furnishings, clothing, jewelry,vehicles, boats, bank accounts. Habits and hobbies are often strong anchors. There are those whose anchors include a cat, or dog, or fish, or snake, or…

Our anchors help give us a sense of stability, of security. They often become a part of our personal identity, of how we see ourselves, and how we claim our own unique place in the world.

All too often, during really big changes, people lose sight of their anchors. You hear, “My world is turned upside down.” “Everything is changing.” “I don’t know what to expect anymore.” Perhaps one, or even a few, of their anchors have been cut loose. But the others are still there, available to provide some stability.

This is the first reason that I ask my clients to spend some time focusing on anchors… It is too easy to feel completely adrift, even when you aren’t.

What are your anchors?

If you know anything about boating, you know that there are many different types of anchors. Fundamentally, they fall into two categories, those that rest on the seabed and “sea anchors.” Let’s look at each of these in the context of change.

The anchors that rest on the sea bed are the ones most of us are familiar with. They come in many different sizes, shapes, and weights, but their purpose is the same…to keep the boat from drifting away. The boat can rise and fall with the tide, turn with the current, rock with the waves. Our anchors help provide some stability during the rise and fall of our day-to-day lives. They allow us to rock with the waves, and turn with the current without drifting away. But, in general once you have anchored your boat, you know where to find it when you return.

There is reason, however, to know whether each of our anchors rests on the seabed. Quite simply, if the turbulence is great enough, if the change is disruptive enough, they may prevent us from navigating it successfully.

I live in Hoboken, NJ. During Hurricane Sandy a few years ago, the city flooded; the primary source of the flooding were the inlets that sit on the northern and southern borders of the city. Several people anchor their sailboats in the northern inlet. I have a photo of a sailboat that broke loose from its anchor during the storm, and ended up on a waterfront walkway. The photo at the start of this blog is a boat that was anchored too tightly to survive the levels to which the waters rose.

What is your relationship to each of your anchors?

If an anchor is keeping you from changing, putting your change success at risk, are you prepared to change your relationship to it, or change the change to accommodate it? 

The second type of anchor is a sea anchor. It might be used because the water is too deep to anchor to the sea bed. Or it may be used when you are at sea to help ride out a storm.

sea-anchor-500

As the illustration shows, during storms a sea anchor is used to keep the bow (or stern) of the boat facing into the heavy seas so that it won’t be rolled by the waves.

The equivalent of a sea anchor is important when going through major change as well. No matter how high the tumult, how strong the winds are blowing, how stormy the seas, we need to keep ourselves facing into the change.

Look at your list of anchors again. Look at your relationships to them, and whether or not those relationships are negotiable. Do any need to be strengthened to keep you from drifting away? Which of your anchors are your sea anchors, keeping you facing into the challenges of change?

Whether you are thinking of making a major change in your life, or are already on that change journey, take the time to sit down and reflect on your anchors.

  1. What are your anchors?
  2. What is your relationship to them? Are you willing and able to change that relationship if needed in order for the change to succeed? If not, are you willing and able to redefine the change in a way that will allow you to both honor the anchor(s) and to succeed with the change?
  3. Which of the anchors are your “sea anchors,” keeping you facing into the change when it gets really rough?
Share

Balance Is More Than Not Falling Down.

By

Last week I shared some thoughts about our tendency to enter “fight or flight” when we find ourselves in the midst of a significant change; I suggested that often the better approach is to not get lured into the pull of taking immediate action; I offered a simple tool, and the guidance to focus on importance, not urgency; finally, I said that this week I would offer a way to avoid the loop of a crisis altogether…So what is it?

Actually, it isn’t a big secret. It’s something we all know. And, it’s something many of us struggle with, if we pay any attention to it at all.

Spend time every day focusing on your equanimity.

What is it that brings you peace, that helps you return to center? For me, it is a morning ritual of yoga and prayer. For my son, it is a physically challenging workout at the gym. Knitting. Gardening. Biking. Running. Attending mass. Meditation. Cleaning. Ironing. Sketching. Painting. Taking a walk. Mindful breath. Conversing with oneself in the mirror. Whittling. Driving. Reading the Torah, the Bible, the Quran, or other spiritual or religious works. Poetry. Journaling. Playing the bagpipes. Spending time in nature. Each of these is someone’s answer to How do I stay centered? 

If you have your own way of maintaining, or returning to, balance…go for it!

When the going gets tough, it is essential that we carve out the time to focus on balancing/re-balancing, and that we make it a non-negotiable part of our routine. We all know it is easier to retain balance than to regain it. Avoid the tendency to “not have time.”  Don’t just “fit it in.” Sure, there are often trade-offs to finding and protecting that time for yourself. But, if carefully made, they are well worth the peace of mind that maintaining that centeredness can bring during a crisis.

If you don’t currently have a way of centering, you are far from alone. In this day and age it isn’t at all unusual for us to get so enmeshed in activities that we let go of–or never develop–a means of reconnecting to our center. If this is the case, my encouragement is that you begin to seek out your way of connecting back to yourself. As you can see from the list above, there are an infinite number of possibilities. Here are some of the guidelines that I share with my clients who are seeking to find their own means for establishing and maintaining more equanimity in their lives.

  • Find a quiet time and a quiet spot to spend some time alone. Reflect on when you feel most calm and at peace with yourself.
  • Close your eyes, and put yourself “in that moment.” Where are you? What are you doing? What do you see?
  • Jot down some notes, and repeat the process.
  • It may take more than one try, and some time, to create a list for yourself. You may need to reflect back years–perhaps even back to your youth–to find those moments. Try to compile a list of 6, 8, 10, or more “possibilities.”
  • Take a look at the list you have created. If there are places that sometimes allow you to feel at peace, and other times do not, cross them off. (For example, if driving can be your magic elixir, and you also find yourself frustrated, cursing under your breath and honking your horn when you are behind a too-slow driver, it is probably not the practice you want. If it is playing the piano–except when you hit a wrong note–take it off the list.) You want those activities, those locations, those things that have the potential for helping you center every time you connect with them.
  • Put aside those places that have provided that solace for you in the past, but that are not readily accessible. Going to the beach may be a great way for you to spend the vacation recharging, but if it is not nearby, you can’t count on it to help you recenter tomorrow.
  • If drugs or alcohol have made it onto the list, scratch them off… Whatever they may bring you is not the equanimity we are seeking.
  • By the time you reach this point, you will have a pretty good sense of what is resonating with you; select something from your list (or something you have never tried before).

Now you need to set aside your time and begin to practice. In this context, considering whatever your grounding activity is as a “practice” is a good idea. Meditation instructors are known to tell their students that setting aside 5-10 minutes every day is much better than meditating for an hour once a week. Whatever, your chosen practice, the same is true. Quite simply, the longer you go without reconnecting to center–or consciously working to move toward center–the further out of equilibrium you are likely to become.

What do you do to help you stay centered?

Share

Don’t Get Dizzy When You Are In the Loop of a Crisis!

By

Is it good to be “in the loop” during a crisis?

a) Yes

b) No

c) It depends

The correct answer is c, “It depends.” Certainly if you are talking about communications loops, it is a good thing; we will be exploring this at another time.

But when we are involved in change, there is another loop that we have to be careful to avoid: the urgency loop.

There is nothing that spurs us into action like an immediate crisis. Unfortunately, cortisol sets off the alarm, and our actions tend to be “fight or flight.” We’ve all witnessed, heard about (and maybe even perpetrated) a few or more such responses along the way…frenetic flurries of disconnected and incomplete activity; rants, whether at the person or situation we see as the cause of the crisis or those who are trying to be supportive of us; “jags,” “benders,” or “binges” (depending on your generation and substance of choice). When the first set of actions doesn’t seem to be taking root, another spins out, and another. It can be dizzying at best!

The kinds of crises that drive substantive changes in our lives aren’t addressed in minutes, days, or weeks. It can take months, or even years, to move through and reach the outcome we have been working toward. So, for me, knowing this–and being conscious of it–is my first step in addressing a crisis, whether caused by me or driven from the outside.

Don’t let yourself step into the urgent action loop! 

Many years ago I learned a simple and effective tool; if my memory serves me, it was offered by Stephen Covey. Draw a simple four-cell matrix, two boxes high by two wide. I label the horizontal axis “Urgency” and the vertical axis “Importance.” Along each axis there are only two measures, “low” and “high.” As I begin to jot down “what I need to do,” I put each item into one of the four cells ranging from low urgency and low importance to high urgency and high importance.

The secret sauce: focus on importance, not urgency!

After all, if it is urgent, but has no importance, why attend to it when there are important things to be done? That is why reminding myself that a crisis isn’t resolved in a moment is so important; it helps me to avoid the impulse to “fight or flight.” I have found this technique effective for myself and others, whether it is the “crisis” of getting out a term paper, or the crisis of first receiving devastating personal news. And, it is something that doesn’t take training, or practice, or years of experience to apply.

PS: The matrix works great on any change, not just crises; it also can bring value to your day-to-day activities.

There is a better way to avoid getting dizzy…and even to avoid the loop of a crisis altogether. Check back next week! In the meantime, feel free to share any “quick tips” you have for addressing this challenge.

Share

Whose Change Is This Anyway? Does It Really Matter?

By

Sometimes we are very conscious of the process that has brought us to the verge of–or even into the heart of–a life-altering change. The light bulb came on. We reflected on the idea, shaping it, “fleshing it out.” We engaged others in our thinking, taking their feedback to further refine it. When we are ready to move forward, we are proud to face the world (or some portion of it), and say “I am changing…”

Then there are the times when it was somebody else’s light bulb that went off. The first time we hear of the change, it hits us like the proverbial whack on the side of the head. The company is downsizing; the compensation structure is being significantly modified; the divorce filing is waiting on the kitchen table when you get home from another way-too-long day at work. Whose change is this anyway? How would you answer?

  • The company is downsizing; you are being laid off. __ My change  __Not my change
  • The compensation structure is being significantly modified; you will have to think and work differently–perhaps significantly harder–to earn the same income. __My change __Not my change
  • When you left for work, it seemed like any other day; the papers filing for a divorce are waiting on the kitchen table when you get home. __My change  __Not my change

For some people the answer to the first two (or even all three) scenarios is “Not my change.” This can be played out in any number of ways, but the bottom line is: “I am a victim of circumstances.”

One of the early lessons I learned about change is this: We cannot always control the hand we are dealt. We do have the ability to control our response to it. What that means for me is, quite simply, if the change affects me, it is my change. It doesn’t matter if I formulated it. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t have a clue that it was heading my way. It doesn’t matter if I have everything–or nothing–to say about the how, why, what, when, where, or how of the change. I do have a say about my response to it.

Perhaps the most powerful application I have seen of this principle was in the early 1990’s. I was Deputy Director of Bailey House, a nonprofit providing permanent housing and support services to homeless men and women with AIDS. Back then, an AIDS diagnosis was often seen as a death sentence; the treatments available today weren’t even on the horizon. Yet over and over again, our clients refused to accept the role of victim. They would step up to this life-challenging change and say, “This opens up the opportunity for me to get the support that I need to take control of my life and turn it around.” And, over and over again, they did just that!

Whose change is it anyway? Does it matter?

If it affects you, it matters whether or not you claim it as yours. It matters whether you approach it as victim or victor.

What do you think? What has your experience taught you? Comments welcome!

Share