TransformingLives.Coach

Create the future you want!

Balance Is More Than Not Falling Down.

By

Last week I shared some thoughts about our tendency to enter “fight or flight” when we find ourselves in the midst of a significant change; I suggested that often the better approach is to not get lured into the pull of taking immediate action; I offered a simple tool, and the guidance to focus on importance, not urgency; finally, I said that this week I would offer a way to avoid the loop of a crisis altogether…So what is it?

Actually, it isn’t a big secret. It’s something we all know. And, it’s something many of us struggle with, if we pay any attention to it at all.

Spend time every day focusing on your equanimity.

What is it that brings you peace, that helps you return to center? For me, it is a morning ritual of yoga and prayer. For my son, it is a physically challenging workout at the gym. Knitting. Gardening. Biking. Running. Attending mass. Meditation. Cleaning. Ironing. Sketching. Painting. Taking a walk. Mindful breath. Conversing with oneself in the mirror. Whittling. Driving. Reading the Torah, the Bible, the Quran, or other spiritual or religious works. Poetry. Journaling. Playing the bagpipes. Spending time in nature. Each of these is someone’s answer to How do I stay centered? 

If you have your own way of maintaining, or returning to, balance…go for it!

When the going gets tough, it is essential that we carve out the time to focus on balancing/re-balancing, and that we make it a non-negotiable part of our routine. We all know it is easier to retain balance than to regain it. Avoid the tendency to “not have time.”  Don’t just “fit it in.” Sure, there are often trade-offs to finding and protecting that time for yourself. But, if carefully made, they are well worth the peace of mind that maintaining that centeredness can bring during a crisis.

If you don’t currently have a way of centering, you are far from alone. In this day and age it isn’t at all unusual for us to get so enmeshed in activities that we let go of–or never develop–a means of reconnecting to our center. If this is the case, my encouragement is that you begin to seek out your way of connecting back to yourself. As you can see from the list above, there are an infinite number of possibilities. Here are some of the guidelines that I share with my clients who are seeking to find their own means for establishing and maintaining more equanimity in their lives.

  • Find a quiet time and a quiet spot to spend some time alone. Reflect on when you feel most calm and at peace with yourself.
  • Close your eyes, and put yourself “in that moment.” Where are you? What are you doing? What do you see?
  • Jot down some notes, and repeat the process.
  • It may take more than one try, and some time, to create a list for yourself. You may need to reflect back years–perhaps even back to your youth–to find those moments. Try to compile a list of 6, 8, 10, or more “possibilities.”
  • Take a look at the list you have created. If there are places that sometimes allow you to feel at peace, and other times do not, cross them off. (For example, if driving can be your magic elixir, and you also find yourself frustrated, cursing under your breath and honking your horn when you are behind a too-slow driver, it is probably not the practice you want. If it is playing the piano–except when you hit a wrong note–take it off the list.) You want those activities, those locations, those things that have the potential for helping you center every time you connect with them.
  • Put aside those places that have provided that solace for you in the past, but that are not readily accessible. Going to the beach may be a great way for you to spend the vacation recharging, but if it is not nearby, you can’t count on it to help you recenter tomorrow.
  • If drugs or alcohol have made it onto the list, scratch them off… Whatever they may bring you is not the equanimity we are seeking.
  • By the time you reach this point, you will have a pretty good sense of what is resonating with you; select something from your list (or something you have never tried before).

Now you need to set aside your time and begin to practice. In this context, considering whatever your grounding activity is as a “practice” is a good idea. Meditation instructors are known to tell their students that setting aside 5-10 minutes every day is much better than meditating for an hour once a week. Whatever, your chosen practice, the same is true. Quite simply, the longer you go without reconnecting to center–or consciously working to move toward center–the further out of equilibrium you are likely to become.

What do you do to help you stay centered?

Share

Don’t Get Dizzy When You Are In the Loop of a Crisis!

By

Is it good to be “in the loop” during a crisis?

a) Yes

b) No

c) It depends

The correct answer is c, “It depends.” Certainly if you are talking about communications loops, it is a good thing; we will be exploring this at another time.

But when we are involved in change, there is another loop that we have to be careful to avoid: the urgency loop.

There is nothing that spurs us into action like an immediate crisis. Unfortunately, cortisol sets off the alarm, and our actions tend to be “fight or flight.” We’ve all witnessed, heard about (and maybe even perpetrated) a few or more such responses along the way…frenetic flurries of disconnected and incomplete activity; rants, whether at the person or situation we see as the cause of the crisis or those who are trying to be supportive of us; “jags,” “benders,” or “binges” (depending on your generation and substance of choice). When the first set of actions doesn’t seem to be taking root, another spins out, and another. It can be dizzying at best!

The kinds of crises that drive substantive changes in our lives aren’t addressed in minutes, days, or weeks. It can take months, or even years, to move through and reach the outcome we have been working toward. So, for me, knowing this–and being conscious of it–is my first step in addressing a crisis, whether caused by me or driven from the outside.

Don’t let yourself step into the urgent action loop! 

Many years ago I learned a simple and effective tool; if my memory serves me, it was offered by Stephen Covey. Draw a simple four-cell matrix, two boxes high by two wide. I label the horizontal axis “Urgency” and the vertical axis “Importance.” Along each axis there are only two measures, “low” and “high.” As I begin to jot down “what I need to do,” I put each item into one of the four cells ranging from low urgency and low importance to high urgency and high importance.

The secret sauce: focus on importance, not urgency!

After all, if it is urgent, but has no importance, why attend to it when there are important things to be done? That is why reminding myself that a crisis isn’t resolved in a moment is so important; it helps me to avoid the impulse to “fight or flight.” I have found this technique effective for myself and others, whether it is the “crisis” of getting out a term paper, or the crisis of first receiving devastating personal news. And, it is something that doesn’t take training, or practice, or years of experience to apply.

PS: The matrix works great on any change, not just crises; it also can bring value to your day-to-day activities.

There is a better way to avoid getting dizzy…and even to avoid the loop of a crisis altogether. Check back next week! In the meantime, feel free to share any “quick tips” you have for addressing this challenge.

Share

Whose Change Is This Anyway? Does It Really Matter?

By

Sometimes we are very conscious of the process that has brought us to the verge of–or even into the heart of–a life-altering change. The light bulb came on. We reflected on the idea, shaping it, “fleshing it out.” We engaged others in our thinking, taking their feedback to further refine it. When we are ready to move forward, we are proud to face the world (or some portion of it), and say “I am changing…”

Then there are the times when it was somebody else’s light bulb that went off. The first time we hear of the change, it hits us like the proverbial whack on the side of the head. The company is downsizing; the compensation structure is being significantly modified; the divorce filing is waiting on the kitchen table when you get home from another way-too-long day at work. Whose change is this anyway? How would you answer?

  • The company is downsizing; you are being laid off. __ My change  __Not my change
  • The compensation structure is being significantly modified; you will have to think and work differently–perhaps significantly harder–to earn the same income. __My change __Not my change
  • When you left for work, it seemed like any other day; the papers filing for a divorce are waiting on the kitchen table when you get home. __My change  __Not my change

For some people the answer to the first two (or even all three) scenarios is “Not my change.” This can be played out in any number of ways, but the bottom line is: “I am a victim of circumstances.”

One of the early lessons I learned about change is this: We cannot always control the hand we are dealt. We do have the ability to control our response to it. What that means for me is, quite simply, if the change affects me, it is my change. It doesn’t matter if I formulated it. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t have a clue that it was heading my way. It doesn’t matter if I have everything–or nothing–to say about the how, why, what, when, where, or how of the change. I do have a say about my response to it.

Perhaps the most powerful application I have seen of this principle was in the early 1990’s. I was Deputy Director of Bailey House, a nonprofit providing permanent housing and support services to homeless men and women with AIDS. Back then, an AIDS diagnosis was often seen as a death sentence; the treatments available today weren’t even on the horizon. Yet over and over again, our clients refused to accept the role of victim. They would step up to this life-challenging change and say, “This opens up the opportunity for me to get the support that I need to take control of my life and turn it around.” And, over and over again, they did just that!

Whose change is it anyway? Does it matter?

If it affects you, it matters whether or not you claim it as yours. It matters whether you approach it as victim or victor.

What do you think? What has your experience taught you? Comments welcome!

Share