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Do You Really Have To Make This Change?

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thin no circleBig change takes a big investment. It requires time, money, physical, emotional, and often spiritual energy. It requires saying “No” to things that are important so that you are able to say yes to the change. It’s risky, and success is never guaranteed.

As we discussed in an earlier post (Anchors, Aweigh!), making a major change requires reexamining the relationship that you have with the various anchors in your life: people, places, things… In some cases you will need to let go of old anchors, and form new ones. You may need to change your relationship with some of your anchors, becoming closer or more distant, more or less intimate, more or less engaged.

Major change requires changes in the way we look at, and think about, things. It requires us to do things differently. Perhaps we need to learn new skills, to engage with other people in different ways, or even to shift the way that we think about–and relate to–our own body.

Big change is tough; it is demanding; it is hard.

Sometimes you don’t have a choice. You’ve been laid off. Your company is relocating. You experience a serious health issue. When change is thrust on you in this way, change is going to happen… Take charge of it.Approach it as a victor, not a victim.

But when you do have a choice, think it over carefully. Talk it over with unbiased others. Ask yourself, Do I really have to make this change? What is the price I will pay if I do not? 

Sometimes, the most important thing I can do for a client is to help her think through a change that she is ready to charge into…and have her realize that doing so is  a good idea, but is not imperative. Sometimes, I help a client come to the answer that, No, I don’t really have to make this change. I am better off not investing in it.

Have you said no to change? What were the circumstances? What was the result? Were there times when you should have said no to a change and didn’t? Share your experience.

Are You Talking With the Right People?

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DiscussionIt is great to be supported by the people around you. It feels good to be acknowledged. It’s super to have others tell you that you are right.

When the going gets though, having a tight-knit circle of friends and supporters makes it seem a little easier. But if those are the only people you are talking with as you define, plan, and carry out your change, you are making a big mistake!

One of the realities of how we as human beings approach change is that we have a tendency to “play to our strengths.” One person may conceive of and shape the change incessantly for months on end. Another may plan it out to the most minute detail. Someone else may take the “Fire, Ready, Aim” approach.

One risk of limiting those who advise us to those who think like us and support us without question is that sometimes playing to our strength may be a mistake. Those of us who are creative are often much better at starting things than at bringing them to a successful conclusion. All the planning in the world won’t move you forward; nor is it ever possible to execute a major change “according to plan.” (As the old saying goes, People plan, and the gods laugh.) Nor is jumping into action too quickly the best idea.

Another risk that comes from surrounding yourself with nodding heads is that you will end up with a limited perspective on the circumstances driving the change, as well as the approach to addressing those circumstances. Abraham Maslow put it this way. “If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”

When facing a major change, you need more than a hammer in your toolbox. You need counsel from people who see things through a different lens. You need to hear from others who have faced similar situations. You need to listen to those who have attempted this change journey before. Especially listen to those who have failed. Those who were successful may or may not know what contributed to their success; those who failed will have a clear grasp of what went wrong.

Value the perspective of those who are optimistic about your chances of success; they will give you encouragement along the way. Also value those who are pessimistic; they may be pointing out the potholes that you will want to avoid (or to be prepared to address) along the way. Appreciate those who are focused; they can help keep you from being distracted and moving off-course. Those who are proactive may compel you forward; their counterparts may be able to keep you from moving too quickly. Listen to people who can tell you what is just noise, and what is critically important for you to address.

It may only take adding one or two people to your circle to significantly broaden the voices you hear. But, they need to be people whom you trust, people whose thinking can cause you to change your mind, to think and/or act differently.

It may also require that you challenge those who have traditionally supported you, helping them understand that you need both their support and their challenges as well.

In all of your conversations, be clear as to who is making the decisions. Listen with an open mind. Don’t shoot the messengers. Finally, if you are the decision-maker, set the expectation that you want total candor, and that you will carefully weigh the counsel you are receiving. And, be clear that once you have made the decision, you expect their unwavering support.

What has been your experience when seeking counsel about change?

How Bad Does It Hurt?

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iStock_000012599356_SmallMore often than not, change-based conversations focus on how rosy the future will be. The bigger the change, the rosier the future seems to be portrayed.

There is very little talk about how difficult the journey will be; the obstacles to be faced; the challenges to be overcome; perhaps, quite literally, the tears to be shed.

The expectation is that the hope offered by the future will be enough to propel you into the change and through to that ideal future state.

It won’t. Hope isn’t enough.

In the past we’ve talked about “uninformed optimism,” the honeymoon phase of big changes that we see in a positive light. And, we’ve described the “informed pessimism” that inevitably follows as the obstacles, challenges, and unexpected difficulties arise. While hope may be enough to get you to this point in the journey, it won’t carry you through… This is when people begin to check out.

Sometimes checking out is public. It may take the form of walking off the job, or calling off the wedding, or announcing a return to “the way it was before.”

Sometimes checking out is more private. People retire on the job. They have affairs. They “go through the motions” without ever investing enough time, energy, etc. to make meaningful progress.

The hope of a better future is necessary, but it isn’t enough to propel us through major change. There also needs to be pain associated with the present. The bigger the change, the deeper that pain needs to be.

Why?

Quite simply put, if where we are is comfortable, it’s hard to leave. And if the journey gets really difficult, it’s too easy to come back.

Comfort doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. In fact, it may be far from it. We have all heard stories–perhaps know someone or have even lived it ourselves–of an abused person remaining in the relationship, or leaving the relationship, only to return. For her, or him, the uncertainty of the transition is more uncomfortable than the certainty of the abuse.

If the change you are facing is personal, what is your pain?

If the change is organizational, and you are responsible for some part of its execution (or maybe even the entire thing), what is your pain? If you are nearing retirement and have a golden parachute (or even a good retirement nest egg), your commitment may be very different than if your next promotion (or continued mid-career employment) rests on the success of the change.

It doesn’t matter if the change is being driven by a problem or an opportunity; it doesn’t matter if it is the current state or the future that is driving it.

What matters is how badly failing will hurt. 

Identify that pain. Sit with it. Know it. Envision what it will be like to live with it. if you decide you can live with it, even if uncomfortable, then my best counsel is, don’t proceed with a really big change. You may begin it, but it is unlikely you will carry it through.

If others are taking the journey with you, whether family, friends, or co-workers, they, too, will need to feel the pain. It may be felt differently for each one; that’s okay. But, each person on the journey has to feel the need to leave the status quo, and to know that the price of going back is too high.

If the change is big and success is not imperative, it is unlikely that true success will be achieved.

What is your experience of pain and change? Have you moved forward with the execution of a good idea only to turn back? Share your story.

Where Are Your Boundaries?

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iStock_000007069075SmallOne of two things often happens when we become deeply engaged in a change. We develop impermeable boundaries that can end up shutting out those whose support we need most; or we feel guilty for the time and other investments we are making in the change, and we end up with Swiss cheese for boundaries.

Both options put the change at high risk for failure.

Let’s look at the risks associated with establishing boundaries that are too restrictive.

First and foremost, really big changes are not solo expeditions. (Even if your change is about you going on a solo expedition, you will need incredible support in your preparation; it will be important to know that support is there while you are on the journey; and you will welcome the support on your return.) Boundaries that shut people out–make them feel devalued–lessen the likelihood that they will build commitment to the change.

Enrolling people in support of the change requires ongoing dialogue; if the only time that dialogue can occur is when you “let people in,” it is unlikely that the dialogue will be meaningful. And, it is unlikely that they will be deeply enrolled in supporting your change.

If your change is a big one, you most likely have neither the understanding nor the skills to pull it off alone. You need the candid advice of others. Making it difficult for them to give that advice makes it less likely that they will bother trying.

If you set your boundaries too loosely, you will never reach your destination. There will be clamors for your attention–and energy–from every direction. Those who don’t want you to go forward with the change will seek to make their arguments heard at every opportunity. Those who want changes to the change, or the way it is being implemented, will plead their cause again and again and again. And then there are those who call on you for the myriad reasons in your life other than this change. Just because the change is a major one in your life, it doesn’t mean that they will stop their demands for your time and attention around other matters.

Even if you don’t always yield to the demand, the effort required to turn away is effort taken from your change. The energy required to sift through the cacophony is energy down the drain.

Exhaustion, frustration, and lack of momentum are all likely results of a  set of boundaries that is too loose.

When it comes to setting boundaries as you move into and through your change, the Goldilocks principle applies: not too hard, not too soft, you need to find the balance that is just right.

What this really means is that your boundaries will shift from time to time. There may be points along the way where you need to “go off the grid” in order to reflect, or write, or make tough decisions.

There may be people whose relationship to you needs to change (remember my blog Anchors, Aweigh); a significant part of shifting those relationships is the redefinition of the boundaries between you.

You may need to open the boundaries to people, and to ideas, that are foreign to you, but that are capable of informing your change if you let them in.

There is no science to setting boundaries during your change. But that doesn’t mean it should occur haphazardly. Think it through. Plan it. Test it. Adjust it. Fine tune it. Remain aware of your boundaries, of how they are supporting your change efforts, and how they are undermining you.

What have you learned about boundaries in your change journeys? Share your lessons with others.

Plateaus During Change: Both Asset and Liability

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plateasuIn Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment, George Leonard writes, “If our life is good, a life of mastery, most of it will be spent on the plateau. If not, a large part of it may well be spent in restless, distracted, ultimately self-destructive attempts to escape the plateau.”

But plateaus are not restricted to the mastery journey. Plateaus are inherent in the change journey as well. They can be exactly what we need. And, they can undermine our journey to success.

Plateaus allow us to stabilize, to strengthen our commitment. They prepare us to go deeper, further, higher than we have been able to go before. They are a place to rest in our weariness, and to launch our ascent to the next level.

Too often, however, a plateau can become the final destination. It can be the place where we plant the flag of victory, even though we haven’t reached our intended destination. (We make the decision okay, proclaiming, I never thought I would make it this far.) It can be the place where we stop until we answer all of the “what ifs” that lie ahead. (Of course, they will never all be answered.) It can be the place where our self-doubt takes hold, tying us to less than fully realizing our change objectives (while simultaneously proving itself as justified).

Within organizations, plateaus offer yet another risk. If not appropriately orchestrated (what areas of the organization plateau when, and for how long), they can cause a loss of the real–and perceived–momentum that is is critical to keeping the organizational journey moving forward.

When you are planning your change journey, include your plateaus. Plan them as places to stabilize, to strengthen your commitment. Plan them as places where you prepare to go deeper, further, higher than you have been able to go before. Plan them as  places to rest in your weariness, and to launch your ascent to the next level. Then, use them in the way that they are intended… Don’t take up residence on the plateau. It is not the destination.

Please comment or add your own experience with plateaus during change.

Balance Is More Than Not Falling Down

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iStock_000005861755Small

Be open to action, and to reflection.

Be open to holding on, and to letting go.

Be open to knowing, and to not knowing.

Be open to doing, and to not doing.

In 2007 I took a Himalayan pilgrimage. Over the eight months before I left, I invested in preparing myself for the experience. While those preparations began in the gym, I soon realized that this journey would require more than physical training; it would require mental and spiritual preparation as well.

One day early in my preparations I met a friend for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. When the check came, I opened my fortune cookie. It read,

Balance is more than not falling down. 

Wherever you are on your change journey, there is an important lesson here. It is a lesson that applies in so many ways that one could probably blog about it for months. (As my son says, “No worries.” I am just going to highlight a few of them, and move on to another topic next week. I trust you to draw from your own experiences to add to the lessons that I am offering here.)

Just as my pilgrimage required me to call on my physical, spiritual, and mental energy, each change journey makes its own unique energetic demands on us. It may challenge long-held beliefs and practices. It may require us to re-frame our relationship to others, or to work, or to religious or spiritual or political beliefs. Whatever the change, it is likely that successfully completing the journey will not be possible with one shift; rather, multiple shifts will be required.

Perhaps you are still committed to that New Year’s resolution that resulted in a new gym membership. While the gym may be an important element in loosing weight and developing the body that you want, it cannot be the only one if you are to succeed. Doing so may also require you to change your relationship to your body: how you see it, what you expect of it, and/or how you treat it. That’s why I have never understood those people who walk out of the gym and light up a cigarette, or the ones who spend their entire workout telling their buddies about how much they drank over the weekend. It’s not just about the workout.

Balance is more than not falling down.

“Play to your strengths.” There is one theory of change that suggests this is exactly the way to go; build on strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. Another suggests that you should focus on your vulnerabilities, or they will undermine your success; manage them as risks, or risk failing.

Who is right?

In my experience, both are. When the going gets tough, we each tend to play to our strong suit. Perhaps you’re known for making decisions, or taking action, or planning, or anticipating problems, or… And, sometimes your strong suit is exactly what is needed at that point in time.

But sometimes, what is needed is the opposite; sometimes what is needed is your weakness. Perhaps you are strong on reflecting, on finding the solution through a long and deep contemplative process; but circumstances warrant quick decisions and action. Maybe you are known for holding on to things that have had meaning in the past, sustaining traditions or heirlooms, or beliefs; but circumstances call for letting go of these things before the door closes on the opportunity to complete the change.

Balance is more than not falling down. 

Do you know your strengths, and your vulnerabilities? Do you consciously choose when to call on each?

Are you at the action gym, or the reflection gym, or the decision gym, becoming the ever-more-masterful exerciser of your strengths? Or, are you at the action gym, or the reflection gym, or the decision gym, working on your vulnerabilities to bring them more into balance with your strengths?

Balance is more than not falling down. 

Balance is leveraging your strengths, and strengthening your weaknesses. It is knowing the full range of resources that you have available to you, and calling on each when appropriate.

Balance is being open to action, and to reflection. Balance is being open to holding on, and to letting go. Balance is being open to knowing, and to not knowing. Balance is being open to doing, and to not doing.

Balance is more than not falling down. 

What is your experience with balance–or the lack of it–when approaching change?